Saturday, August 21, 2010
Do I look fat in these?
I've never asked Josh that question, probably because I know he wouldn't give much of a response, and partly because even though we all know the answer to that question (yes) I know that Josh would never say anything like that to hurt my feelings. I have never been skinny or enjoyed working out and I have always loved Chocolate. I think I have always known that I would have to work extra hard to stay healthy and would have a constant life-long battle with my weight . Knowing that hasn't given me the motivation to be better and actually it has always made me be on the lookout for people who's love might be much more conditional upon my looks. I have family members who can't seem to look past other's weight and constantly are commenting about it. I dated someone who I loved alot but I always feared them not loving me down the road if/when I gained weight. Then I met Josh. I was so head over heels in love with him that I committed an eternity to him before going through my typical list of credentials to help me not be so afraid of being hurt in the future. A week or so before our wedding we were walking through the mall and he pointed at this store that sold women's plus size clothing and asked me if that's where I shopped. My heart filled with all sort of emotions and I was panicked! I wasn't even close to being able to wear any clothes from that store. If he already thinks I shop there, what is he going to think about me when I really could buy clothes from there? I was scared and hurt.....I let his kisses distract me and I tried not to think about it. Then on our honeymoon I kind of asked a stupid question. Something along the lines of if I was bigger than he thought I would be? He answered it comepletely honestly and not the least bit mean along with tons of compliments....but I let it hurt me. I thought there is just no way to avoid the pain I've tried so hard to run from. I'm doomed. I've brought up those two instances to Josh a couple of times, and I know he was floored that I took them the wrong way. Knowing Josh the way I do now, I know that the mall was a complete joke and on our honeymoon, I set him up so that he couldn't give me an answer that didn't hurt. Silly girl, but it didn't make those feelings any less a reality. Well 5 years later and 60 lbs heavier, I've learned not to ask such ridiculous questions.....or have I? :) Last spring I went on a diet and I have still kept off 25 lbs. After Josh was sure that I was losing weight, he started asking me how much I had lost every couple of days. He told me he didn't know if I would like to hear I looked like I lost weight or not. I said I want to hear all about looking better, just please don't tell me when I look worse. That's about the extent Josh has ever talked about my weight. I know of many husbands that complain or try to get their wives to lose weight, but that has never been my Josh and I love him so much for it! I'm sure he wishes I looked more like I did when we got married, but he doesn't let that come between us and never hurts my feelings. I am so thankful for that! Well I just started my diet again, and this time I am much more hungry than before and I'm craving all the yummy food I love to mistreat my body with. I'm in need of more motivation than before, and that's why I asked the question. I looked over the back of the couch to Josh and said would you love me more if I was skinnier? I couldn't believe what the guy said. Without skipping a beat he looked me in the eyes and told me he would love me the same no matter what weight I was. I seriously was jumping inside, felt butterflies like when we were dating and had a heart overflowing with love and appreciation for this guy. He said just what I needed to hear, and meant it. As I said before, my weight will be a life long battle, but I'm so thankful that it isn't a battle with him. There are a few reasons that Josh is perfect for me and this is one big one. He is definitely my protector and has continued to try his best to protect me from all my own insecurities. I love him, and he is worth his weight in gold and so much more.