The big 3-0!

I am now officially closer to being 40 than I am to being 20.  I'm not sure how that happened or how I feel about it. We went out with some friends to celebrate all the special things in August.  Sebrina, Ami and I all have b-days within a week of each other along with Matt and Ami's anniversary. 

30 hasn't been that bad, Life is good!

Real Life Nightmare

I try to hit up Sprouts on Wednesdays to take advantage of their double ad days and stock up on produce for the week.  I went just to get some berries, and had a phone call on the way in.  I talked the whole time as I pushed Cassidy in her car seat in the cart and Kaige tagged along next to me.  I was even on the phone as I checked out and then loaded up my car and headed home.  I hung up with my friend just as I pulled into my driveway.  When we parked in the garage I turned around to the back seat and unbuckled Kaige.  He got out the passenger rear door and was excited to help me pull the trash cans in.  Together very slowly we pulled both trash cans back to the back yard.  When done, I came to the driver side back door, and opened it.  There I saw the bucket the baby carrier clicks into, and not baby carrier,  NO CASSIDY!!!!!  I stood there, thinking....where is she.  Think Poiette, think. OH MY GOSH, I'M THAT MOM!  I left my baby at Sprouts.  I left my baby in the cart, in the parking lot!  My body and mind could not function and I had all sorts of thoughts running into my mind.  Do I call 911, do I call Sprouts?  Do I drive to Sprouts and then what, ask if anyone has seen my baby.  I desperately tried to call Josh on my phone, but my fingers wouldn't work.  I needed to get Kaige back into his seat and could I get to my baby fast enough?  What were the cops going to say, what was the news going to say?  How could I prove that I was a good mom, that I don't do drugs, that I love my baby, and that I was just tired.  So tired, I freaking forgot my baby at Sprouts!  I could not call Josh for the life of me.  I ran into the house and yelled for Josh or Jen.  Just maybe one of them would be home, or awake and could look up Sprouts number and call them as I head back to find my baby.  I have never been so scared in my life.  As I yelled up the stairs I hear a voice behind me in the kitchen and I turn to see Josh standing in the kitchen unbuckling Cassidy out of her car seat on the island.  It took me a moment to process, and then my body collapsed.  I yelled you A-hole and crumpled to the bottom of the stairs and just sobbed.  I could barely get out what I had thought.  I cried and I finally went to the bathroom to try and compose myself.  Every fiber of my body ached with relief and adrenalin.  My baby was ok, I hadn't left her. If there was any doubt of my love for that little girl it went flying out that window with the fear I had accidentally abandoned her.  I love her so much!  I don't know what I would have done if my kids were ever taken away from me.  I do have much more understanding of hormonal exhausted moms who make silly mistakes and forget their child in the car, or in the cart at Sprouts. I was shocked the amount of just how emotional I was over this whole thing and how it really messed my body up.  I check often the backseat to make sure there is a baby carrier behind me as we drive around town.  It's a day, and a feeling I will never forget.

On a side note, the night before I had sent Josh an email at work telling him I just needed more help and attention from him.  So he was totally attentive to my needs and came down to help when we got home.  I just wasn't use to it.  He has never come helped the kids out of the car or with groceries, and so never did it dawn on me that someone else could have taken Cassidy out of the car.  Now after that scare and meltdown, he might never help again.  :)

Father and Son's 2012

 

Kaige's with his buddies at his first Father and Son's Campout.  Doesn't he look happy?  But not as happy as mommy was.  I was at home partying it up with face masks and pazookies with some of my favorite ladies.  Little Cassidy even got her first pedicure and she isn't even a month old yet. 

 

Sister Wives November 2011

These lovely ladies are my lifelong friends.  I have known Afton, Rae Lynn, and Eva since before kindergarten, and became super close with Valerie and Lauren when they moved to Arizona when I turned 16.  I have been through so much with these girls, and although many miles separate a lot of us, it's easy to pick up right where we left off when we can get together.  The last time we were all together is when Valerie and Lauren came to visit me after I had Kaige.  Valerie was pregnant then, and she just so happened to be pregnant this trip too.  If that's how it works, I'm looking forward to her being pregnant with her 4th.  I was pregnant too, and because I get so sick I was kind of a party pooper.  But we did have fun!  Things just didn't work like we had planned.  We didn't go away to some exotic destination, and most of the things on our want list never happened.  But it was fun! And I can't wait to do it again. We were afraid Rae wasn't going to be able to join us, but her and Lonnie ended up able to spend all of Saturday with us after all.  Lonnie was a good sport and went out on the town with all 6 of us girls.  Somehow at lunch with the waiter we joked about Sister Wives with Lonnie, I think at some point the waiter even said at least you aren't Mormon or something like that.  Well the Sister Wives joke just grew and grew.  Lots of laughs.  The picture of us in front of the fire truck with our number.  I'm wife number 5. Probably one of those times, that you had to be there, but it was fun.  We had fun bowling, getting together at the park with friends from high school and just spending time reminiscing.  I really do hope we can all get together again sooner than later.  Maybe when work, kids, pregnancies, and life isn't so complicated we can all meet up in San Diego for a relaxing girl's trip.  Life is nuts, by then we might be celebrating 50 years of friendship.

Adult Halloween 2011

 

Six years of marriage and we had never gone to a costume party, unless you count the ward trunk or treat.  I love to dress up!  I don't think the look on Josh's face says he loves to dress up, but he's a good sport.  My friend Laurie can sure throw a party.  We laughed, and laughed and laughed some more.  Josh and I, or should I say Josh won the fear factor game.  I thought I pulled my weight real well until the eat something gross part came.  This pregnant mama could not down the chocolate covered green beans.  It took me what felt like hours to swallow the one and only small bite I took.  When we were dating we watched fear factor religiously.  It was kind of fun to win and be able to say that fear is not a factor for us.   

Wasn't meant to be

I waited one long agonizing week to share my news with Josh on Valentines day. Paradise Bakery helped me out-too bad everyone thinks it says "met you" instead of "me + you". I couldn't have been more excited to be pregnant again and share the news with Josh. Well stupid me needs to stop trying to be creative when it comes to pregnancies. The two times I have, it hasn't worked out.

I was pregnant before Kaige. We waited to tell our family until Christmas. I had little gifts that said grandma or grandpa to surprise our parents. I can't think of a better Christmas gift and everyone was excited for us. I even had a little bet going with my brother on who could make Mom cry over the gift they gave her. I won! But soon lost. Literally. I had a miscarriage the next day. It was such an awful/miserably emotional experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I didn't have kids, I wasn't far along, and I moved on as much as I could. But 3 1/2 years later I still think about the positive pregnancy test the beginning of December, the miscarriage on December 26th and the due date August 15th. We got pregnant 5 months later and I'm sure that helped.

But I paid my dues, many people seems to have miscarriages the first go round, I was safe. That really was my mentality and I didn't have huge anxiety that I might lose a baby especially after I had Kaige. Boy was I wrong! I didn't see it coming, and I was hit hard. Now I am haunted by dates.

February 8th -found out I was pregnant

February 14th-told Josh with cookie I was pregnant

March 25th- ultrasound words read "no cardiac detected". DNC that night

April 2nd- was suppose to dress Kaige up in Big Bro shirt and announce to my family during General Conference. Instead it was the first day Kaige lifted up my shirt and asked asked about the baby.

April 9th- suppose to dress Kaige in a different Big Brother shirt and announce to Josh's family after Alora's baptism.

April 30th- wear a shirt in the Warrior Dash announcing to my friends I was pregnant.

May 8th- celebrate being a mommy to two

May 13th- celebrate our 6th anniversary and find out the gender of our bundle of joy. Announce on facebook we were expecting.

October 16th- Baby Due

October 31st- Kaige be a monkey, baby be a monkey, I would be the momma, and Josh would be the Dr. the momma calls when her monkey jumps off the bed and hits their head. And of course I will think of this baby every time I see that newborn monkey costume. Duh, I had it already! You guys know me right?

Most those dates were long after the life in me was no more. And yet they had been milestones I was looking forward to, and were painful to pass. I was an emotional mess for a good 2 weeks. I was so emotionally sick I was barely functional. It slowly, very slowly got better, but I am shocked what a mess I am months later. A day hasn't passed that my nose doesn't start to burn and my eyes start to water. Not a single day! I am so much better, but I still ache! I'm not baby hungry, or jealous of other people's baby blessings. I seriously can't control my heart longing for something that once belonged to it. And I am terrified of ever having to go through such horrific pain again. If it's happened to me twice, what's to stop it from happening a 3rd or 6th? I don't think I could do it. I barely survived this time.

I had my amazing hubby who put his loss aside and took care of me, and put up with my endless crying. I had food dropped off at my door, mom checking up on me, friends heart attacking me, flowers brought. If it wasn't for wonderful Josh, wonderful VT, wonderful friends and family -I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Despite it all, I know I am soooo blessed. I know my baby's spirit needed a stronger body, and I know that Heavenly Father hated to see me so sad. So did Kaige. He broke my heart when he would ask "Mommy sad?", or "mommy go to the doctor because her tummy hurt?"

The world wants you to move on, they have. But I can't. I often feel like people are pulling me forward and my heart and feet are stuck in quicksand. I read a blog of a mom who had lost a child. These are her words, but they hit the nail on the head.

"it only lasted for such a short time. how can I still ache so much. maybe because for us, we are mother's from the moment we find out they exist."

That's exactly right. We are mothers from the moment we find out they exist. And now after having had the privilege of being a mommy, I knew just what I had lost.

We Thank Thee O God For A Prophet

Last night I debated driving down to see my Dad in Tucson and skipping Stake Conference. Josh had been out of town, and I felt like I should stay and decided it must be to spend what little time I could with him. I was oblivious that Stake Conference was to be a broadcast from SLC to all 90 stakes in AZ, but as I sat in church with excitement of the pleasant surprise that I got to hear the Prophet speak, I realized just why I felt like I wasn't suppose to go to Tucson. I was suppose to be in that meeting, and feel the spirit that I did.

I was fasting for a couple that had been involved in a roll over accident and also for a few family members. I attribute fasting to me being more sensitive to the spirit at church today. As we all stood to sing "We Thank Thee O God For A Prophet" I had the same tingles of confirmation that I had felt the first time I sustained Thomas S. Monson as the President and Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

It's unlikely I would have ever doubted that he was a Prophet, but I treasure that confirmation. My testimony may be weak in lot's of area's, but this is not one of them. I am very thankful for a modern day Prophet, and I KNOW that President Thomas S. Monson was called of God to be our Prophet today. I love the fireworks that go off inside of me as he speaks and guides us.

He told a story of a new Prison Administrator who went into a prison and made drastic changes that were more humane to those incarcerated. Someone came up and said something to that man along the lines of, "Don't you know a leopard doesn't change their spots?" That man replied, "Don't you know I'm not working with leopards, I'm working with men, and they change everyday?" I too have been guilty of judging people like leopard's who's spots don't change. I hope that after today, I'm less guilty of making that mistake. I appreciated those words as they pointed out ways in which I have been judgemental, and appreciated them just as much for the hope they give me for those, especially my loved ones I had been judging.