Happy Birthday Kaige!  Today makes 4 years since you made me a mother.  I never knew such happiness until you came into my life.  We are celebrating with lots of green and camo today because those are the things you love.  I didn't have a blog when you were born and I wish I had thought to write more details about your birth story.  But I did start a journal after you were born.  I kept it at work and when I brought all my stuff home after I was done working, I found it.  There was only one entry.  A very special entry all about you!

 

March 27, 2009

I began this journal as a mom! I got pregnant in the fall of 2007.  We told everyone on Christmas that we were expecting only to have a miscarriage the next day.  A very emotional time for me.  To our surprise I got pregnant 5 months later.  Because of my miscarriage I didn't tell people for quite a while.  I got very sick.  Some people call it morning sickness but I had all day sickness.  I threw up several times a day and it lasted my whole pregnancy.  I ended up only being about 6 pounds heavier than the day I found out I was pregnant.  So in that respect pregnancy was awful! It was like having the flu everyday for a year.  I never got huge or so miserable that I was desperate to get the baby out.  So that was a blessing.  After a long labor where plenty of things went wrong I had my first baby born.  Joshua KAIGE Hedgecock was born Tuesday February 3rd, 2009 at 4:36 PM.  He weighted 7 lbs 15oz and was 22 inches long.  I had been due on January 31st and so as I became past due we all talked about how large the baby would be.  If he was under 8 lbs I would be shocked and Josh kept saying he wouldn't be 8 lbs.  So I find it quite funny that Josh was right-but just barely! Maybe later I can write about my labor experience and the things that happened in the hospital.  When he was 5 weeks and 5 days he started to smile interactively.  It was absolutely adorable and there was no doubt that he was smiling directly at me.  At 6 1/2 weeks the major blowouts started.  There was one that shot up his back like a volcano.  It got all over me and the chair.  My mom and I got to laughing so hard.  He is all boy and smiles every time he explodes.  On March 2nd after my dad's sentencing, Josh, Kaige, Qadry and I went out to eat at Golden Corral.  Kaige was a bit fussy, so Josh was holding him.  Kaige made some stinkers and started to smile.  We all notices and began to laugh.  As we laughed he smiled more.  We all enjoyed him and his expressions.  He continued to smile and smirk, then we discovered why he was so pleased with himself.  As Josh moved the baby we all saw florescent yellow/green poop all over Josh's white shirt.  We had a hard time stopping the giggles.  It was great!! :)  Welcome to Fatherhood!! My best friend's Valerie and Lauren came to visit when he was 3 weeks old.  It was so good to have them here and all 6 of us girls back together.  When he was 3 weeks old I went back to work for 1 day.  The next two weeks I worked 2 days each week and when he was 6 weeks old  was back to work full time.  Full time is 5 days a week, 10 hours a day.  I am so thankful that I can still be a full-time mom while working, but it had been ore emotional that I planned and until I have a good schedule going it will remain stressful.  Baby Kaige and his cousin Jacob were blessed last Sunday March 29th.  Many people came for this special day.  It was one of the few times our chapel was full and even the overflow was open.  Josh gave a beautiful blessing and our little boy was surrounded by men who loved him.  There were Dads and brothers missing so that was saddening.  Qadry was so excited that he got to hold the microphone and still beating himself up that he hadn't turned it on.  It was really sad because it was so hard to hear him.  I am so thankful that we tape recorded it for my dad.  It picked up everything.  The men in the circle were: Josh, Sean Jenkins, Paul Hedgecock, Tim Hedgecock, Jason Hedgecock, Grandpa Palmer, Grandpa Jenkins, Duane Burt, Alan Jarman, Jamie Booth, Paul Waters, Curtis Waters.  There were so many people who came to the blessing.  I'm sure I'll be leaving some out.  Burbanks, Burts, Jarmans, both sets of my grandparents, Shirlie Guthrie, Rae and Sister Moffitt, Hancocks, Waters, Corringtons, Afton, Lees.  From my immediate family my Dad, Coby and Chad weren't there.  Josh's dad and step mom came in town so the only ones missing from Josh's side of the family were Jen and Dan.  We had a BBQ afterwards.  It was a success despite the wind and having to switch parks because of irrigation.  I am exhausted after this weekend, but it was special and well worth it.  My baby has always been a little man but he is growing much faster than I would like.  I sure do love him and love being a mom. As Josh blessed Kaige and helped with the BBQ I was overwhelmed with the love I have for him.  I am a very lucky girl! :)

Wasn't meant to be

I waited one long agonizing week to share my news with Josh on Valentines day. Paradise Bakery helped me out-too bad everyone thinks it says "met you" instead of "me + you". I couldn't have been more excited to be pregnant again and share the news with Josh. Well stupid me needs to stop trying to be creative when it comes to pregnancies. The two times I have, it hasn't worked out.

I was pregnant before Kaige. We waited to tell our family until Christmas. I had little gifts that said grandma or grandpa to surprise our parents. I can't think of a better Christmas gift and everyone was excited for us. I even had a little bet going with my brother on who could make Mom cry over the gift they gave her. I won! But soon lost. Literally. I had a miscarriage the next day. It was such an awful/miserably emotional experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I didn't have kids, I wasn't far along, and I moved on as much as I could. But 3 1/2 years later I still think about the positive pregnancy test the beginning of December, the miscarriage on December 26th and the due date August 15th. We got pregnant 5 months later and I'm sure that helped.

But I paid my dues, many people seems to have miscarriages the first go round, I was safe. That really was my mentality and I didn't have huge anxiety that I might lose a baby especially after I had Kaige. Boy was I wrong! I didn't see it coming, and I was hit hard. Now I am haunted by dates.

February 8th -found out I was pregnant

February 14th-told Josh with cookie I was pregnant

March 25th- ultrasound words read "no cardiac detected". DNC that night

April 2nd- was suppose to dress Kaige up in Big Bro shirt and announce to my family during General Conference. Instead it was the first day Kaige lifted up my shirt and asked asked about the baby.

April 9th- suppose to dress Kaige in a different Big Brother shirt and announce to Josh's family after Alora's baptism.

April 30th- wear a shirt in the Warrior Dash announcing to my friends I was pregnant.

May 8th- celebrate being a mommy to two

May 13th- celebrate our 6th anniversary and find out the gender of our bundle of joy. Announce on facebook we were expecting.

October 16th- Baby Due

October 31st- Kaige be a monkey, baby be a monkey, I would be the momma, and Josh would be the Dr. the momma calls when her monkey jumps off the bed and hits their head. And of course I will think of this baby every time I see that newborn monkey costume. Duh, I had it already! You guys know me right?

Most those dates were long after the life in me was no more. And yet they had been milestones I was looking forward to, and were painful to pass. I was an emotional mess for a good 2 weeks. I was so emotionally sick I was barely functional. It slowly, very slowly got better, but I am shocked what a mess I am months later. A day hasn't passed that my nose doesn't start to burn and my eyes start to water. Not a single day! I am so much better, but I still ache! I'm not baby hungry, or jealous of other people's baby blessings. I seriously can't control my heart longing for something that once belonged to it. And I am terrified of ever having to go through such horrific pain again. If it's happened to me twice, what's to stop it from happening a 3rd or 6th? I don't think I could do it. I barely survived this time.

I had my amazing hubby who put his loss aside and took care of me, and put up with my endless crying. I had food dropped off at my door, mom checking up on me, friends heart attacking me, flowers brought. If it wasn't for wonderful Josh, wonderful VT, wonderful friends and family -I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Despite it all, I know I am soooo blessed. I know my baby's spirit needed a stronger body, and I know that Heavenly Father hated to see me so sad. So did Kaige. He broke my heart when he would ask "Mommy sad?", or "mommy go to the doctor because her tummy hurt?"

The world wants you to move on, they have. But I can't. I often feel like people are pulling me forward and my heart and feet are stuck in quicksand. I read a blog of a mom who had lost a child. These are her words, but they hit the nail on the head.

"it only lasted for such a short time. how can I still ache so much. maybe because for us, we are mother's from the moment we find out they exist."

That's exactly right. We are mothers from the moment we find out they exist. And now after having had the privilege of being a mommy, I knew just what I had lost.