Wasn't meant to be

I waited one long agonizing week to share my news with Josh on Valentines day. Paradise Bakery helped me out-too bad everyone thinks it says "met you" instead of "me + you". I couldn't have been more excited to be pregnant again and share the news with Josh. Well stupid me needs to stop trying to be creative when it comes to pregnancies. The two times I have, it hasn't worked out.

I was pregnant before Kaige. We waited to tell our family until Christmas. I had little gifts that said grandma or grandpa to surprise our parents. I can't think of a better Christmas gift and everyone was excited for us. I even had a little bet going with my brother on who could make Mom cry over the gift they gave her. I won! But soon lost. Literally. I had a miscarriage the next day. It was such an awful/miserably emotional experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I didn't have kids, I wasn't far along, and I moved on as much as I could. But 3 1/2 years later I still think about the positive pregnancy test the beginning of December, the miscarriage on December 26th and the due date August 15th. We got pregnant 5 months later and I'm sure that helped.

But I paid my dues, many people seems to have miscarriages the first go round, I was safe. That really was my mentality and I didn't have huge anxiety that I might lose a baby especially after I had Kaige. Boy was I wrong! I didn't see it coming, and I was hit hard. Now I am haunted by dates.

February 8th -found out I was pregnant

February 14th-told Josh with cookie I was pregnant

March 25th- ultrasound words read "no cardiac detected". DNC that night

April 2nd- was suppose to dress Kaige up in Big Bro shirt and announce to my family during General Conference. Instead it was the first day Kaige lifted up my shirt and asked asked about the baby.

April 9th- suppose to dress Kaige in a different Big Brother shirt and announce to Josh's family after Alora's baptism.

April 30th- wear a shirt in the Warrior Dash announcing to my friends I was pregnant.

May 8th- celebrate being a mommy to two

May 13th- celebrate our 6th anniversary and find out the gender of our bundle of joy. Announce on facebook we were expecting.

October 16th- Baby Due

October 31st- Kaige be a monkey, baby be a monkey, I would be the momma, and Josh would be the Dr. the momma calls when her monkey jumps off the bed and hits their head. And of course I will think of this baby every time I see that newborn monkey costume. Duh, I had it already! You guys know me right?

Most those dates were long after the life in me was no more. And yet they had been milestones I was looking forward to, and were painful to pass. I was an emotional mess for a good 2 weeks. I was so emotionally sick I was barely functional. It slowly, very slowly got better, but I am shocked what a mess I am months later. A day hasn't passed that my nose doesn't start to burn and my eyes start to water. Not a single day! I am so much better, but I still ache! I'm not baby hungry, or jealous of other people's baby blessings. I seriously can't control my heart longing for something that once belonged to it. And I am terrified of ever having to go through such horrific pain again. If it's happened to me twice, what's to stop it from happening a 3rd or 6th? I don't think I could do it. I barely survived this time.

I had my amazing hubby who put his loss aside and took care of me, and put up with my endless crying. I had food dropped off at my door, mom checking up on me, friends heart attacking me, flowers brought. If it wasn't for wonderful Josh, wonderful VT, wonderful friends and family -I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Despite it all, I know I am soooo blessed. I know my baby's spirit needed a stronger body, and I know that Heavenly Father hated to see me so sad. So did Kaige. He broke my heart when he would ask "Mommy sad?", or "mommy go to the doctor because her tummy hurt?"

The world wants you to move on, they have. But I can't. I often feel like people are pulling me forward and my heart and feet are stuck in quicksand. I read a blog of a mom who had lost a child. These are her words, but they hit the nail on the head.

"it only lasted for such a short time. how can I still ache so much. maybe because for us, we are mother's from the moment we find out they exist."

That's exactly right. We are mothers from the moment we find out they exist. And now after having had the privilege of being a mommy, I knew just what I had lost.